Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
![]()
![]()
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
![]()
![]()
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?