Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.