Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?