[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.