going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.