going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You Might Also Like
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
when the buffet is more honest than your date
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.