Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when somebody idk start touching me

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Tremendous stuff

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?