going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
this is the greatest thing ever
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how