*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Meme Monday.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.