Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

Lmaoo 😂

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.