*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?