Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.