(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Whoops
