(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place