Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Wake me when AI does housework

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister