Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account