@cbdoubleu

[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.

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@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@CruisinSoozan

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

@arcadeseals

[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?

@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

@internetluke

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

@MumInBits

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

@TheBossyBlonde

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

@ThisOneSayz

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.