Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My blood type is coffee.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
oh my gosh!!
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once