[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.

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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.


I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?


My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.


Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back


Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy


If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.


Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.