The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You Might Also Like
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“HELP WITH CAT”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.