Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”