Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there