My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn