Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.