Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”