Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
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doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Whoa 😂
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.