Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

life finds a way

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache