Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Rich people don’t understand cereal
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks