Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.