Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh