Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
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If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I only eat vegetarians.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent