Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name