Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Poetry is my passion
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE