Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

me at the job i begged god for

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up