Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

I have a type: disappointing

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Bond. Trauma bond.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.