Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Beware of fowl play.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.