Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?