Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader