Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”