Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

5 ways to appear taller

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.