Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“you recording!?”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”