Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
🙀🙀🙀😹
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
goldfish mafia
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu