going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. Itâs a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctorâs note* oh you mean the little cross?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Iâve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone Iâve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie Iâve ever seen.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* đ”Sweet Carolineđ”
From a distance: đ”Bah bah bahđ”
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[laying in bed]
Wife: Iâd rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, âI have a headacheâ wouldâve been fine
i prefer to think of myself as less âbad at runningâ and more âreally good at running 13 minute miles
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: iâm the only one here
CEO: yep
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but theyâre all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so itâs nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay thatâs gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
â- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.