Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.