going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…