Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.