Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
About to throw up
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore