Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.