going to bed
You Might Also Like
Cat or sheep
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
just having fun
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
