going to bed
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
phew
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.