[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
You Might Also Like
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I need to sieze this.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*