[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
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When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
I need this for my side hustle.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?