[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*