Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
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Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
White parent Vs Arab parents
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.