Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

tfw you realize …

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.