Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK