Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*