Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

My humor is broken

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.