Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“i am a sweet baby”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.