Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!