Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”