Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk