Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I needed a laugh this morning.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.