Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards