Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

You might just have to resign…

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.