Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.