Going to church you guys need anything
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]