Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK