Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
when you are just born a rebel
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