Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.