financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
This is so me 😂😂
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.