@BruceForce
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
@jensenmarie_
Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.
NO YOU GET A LIFE.
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@BruceForce
@papasuncle
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
@pharmasean
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
@ch000ch
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
@Smooheed
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
@DannyZuker
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
@OakHill_
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
@SimplySnaccbar
me: 1985 was a great year
friend: you weren’t even born yet
me: exactly
@Vandalyzm
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
@Peauxtassium
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet