My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.
NO YOU GET A LIFE.
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.
*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
me: 1985 was a great year
friend: you weren’t even born yet
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet