Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.


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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.


me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”


*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot


the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane


*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army


There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.


if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing


A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.