@jensenmarie_

Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.

NO YOU GET A LIFE.

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@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

@pharmasean

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

@ch000ch

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@OakHill_

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

@SimplySnaccbar

me: 1985 was a great year

friend: you weren’t even born yet

me: exactly

@Vandalyzm

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet