Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

*puts my mental health in rice

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?