Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
What do you hear?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT