Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

[adds another nod to the conversation]

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.