Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

My dad is at it again

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.