Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Risking my life for fun.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
