Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
These are too funny not to post 😂
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?