going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
is it earth
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.