going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
From my Mom
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”