going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
